I Would Not Have Voted For This Bullsh*t

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – 2/10

Logan Haffner

I was expecting more from this movie. Don’t ask why. I had a moment of weakness, okay? I blame the drugs.

There are obvious problems with a movie like this (bad acting, terrible screenplay, etc.), but we expect those coming into a movie about our nation’s most storied president hunting vampires. The biggest issue with this movie is that it has an identity crisis. It’s a stupid movie. It’s bound to be stupid. I still wanted to see it along with 80% of the country. The problem is that this movie tries to be so much more. Instead of being a movie with slow motion, over the top, epic fight scenes left and right (such as 300 or Sin City), it places them sparkly in with an overly complicated plot that’s crammed into 1 hour and 45 minutes.

Relationships are over simplified, characters are non-existent, and there’s not really any reason to care about the plot. Its constant attempts to have a deeper point (it brings up the whole slavery issue about 30 minutes before the end and acts like this was the real issue the whole time, as opposed to fucking VAMPIRES) make it have no point at all.

We get the bad halves of two different movies and are left with an abbreviated storyline thought up by a nine year old who just learned about Abe Lincoln at school and caught a Buffy commercial when he got home. Meh.

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