Archive for July, 2012

July 1, 2012

Don’t Get Robot Mad. He Will F*ck Up Your Sh*t.

Prometheus – 5/10

Logan Haffner

I liked this movie okay. It could have been better, but it’s hard to say I didn’t enjoy myself when it did so many things right.

The acting was kinda okay. It was all over the place, really. Some people (Charlize Theron…) were a big dissapointment. Michael Fassbender, on the other hand, was awesome as David, the first ever evil android. Very chilling. Very cool. Haha… see what I did there?

The movie really felt like they filmed it as they came up with the plot, like they would put stuff in like a giant white man drinking some black goop on a waterfall and then break down on a molecular level because it was neat, and then months later when they realize it had no purpose, it was too late to take it out, so they just wrote on.

A lot of plot twists didn’t really add anything to the movie. I say “a lot” because there are about 40, but none of them ACTUALLY change anything. You’re just like “oh, so that happened I guess.”

The special effects are really good, though. And they plant a lot of cool seeds for the Alien movies, to which this is an unofficial prequel. Unfortunately, the previously mentioned flaws leave you spending a lot of your time watching the movie wondering about answers to questions posed early and often, none of which are ever actually answered, which takes a lot away from the distinct universe the movie is trying to create. With so much unknown, you need to give your audience SOMETHING to root them, and Prometheus didn’t really do that.

I’m not going to ruin in here, but there is one scene that’s got to be one of the most disturbing scenes I’ve ever seen, and it’s able to be so terrifying because of how well it’s done. I give a lot of credit to the entirety of that scene. You’ve got to see it. Seriously. Even if you hate the rest of the movie, it’s worth it for that scene. Unless you’re like my brother Nathan and you pass out when shit gets real.

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July 1, 2012

A Movie To End All Movies

The Hunger Games – 1/10

Logan Haffner

This movie is bad. The plot is boring, predictable, and flat. The characters are forced, and you can feel the movie trying to tug you in emotional directions instead of letting you make decisions on your own like a big boy. I’ve never read the books, and still I found myself finishing character’s lines. I’m still mad at Woody Harrelson for agreeing to be in it. Not to mention, does anyone remember Jennifer Lawrence from last year’s “Winter’s Bone”? When she was nominated for an Oscar on her first A list movie ever? What the f*ck happened there?

I’m tired of people telling me this movie is better if you’ve seen the books. First of all: no. It’s not. This movie is shit, a book doesn’t make it better. Second of all, movies based off of books should be able to stand alone as entertainment media. I don’t want to have to read a shit book to better understand a shit movie.

The problem with The Hunger Games, as opposed to other movies based of books that weren’t done well is that they assumed everyone watching the movie HAD read the books. So not only are we left with an overly simplified version of book, we’re left with tons of unanswered questions about almost every aspect of the games and this world they exist in. Not to mention, the books are supposedly prided on being gruesome and gritty, and the movie fast-forwards over the violent bits, giving the audience a very shallow sense of the danger the kids face. In contrast, slow and almost pointless scenes are drawn out almost to the point of agony.

It takes a lot for a movie to get this low of a rating from me. I drop a 1 on this movie because I left the theater feeling absolutely nothing. No. Wait. I was hungry. I hadn’t eaten for, like, 7 hours.

July 1, 2012

I Would Not Have Voted For This Bullsh*t

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter – 2/10

Logan Haffner

I was expecting more from this movie. Don’t ask why. I had a moment of weakness, okay? I blame the drugs.

There are obvious problems with a movie like this (bad acting, terrible screenplay, etc.), but we expect those coming into a movie about our nation’s most storied president hunting vampires. The biggest issue with this movie is that it has an identity crisis. It’s a stupid movie. It’s bound to be stupid. I still wanted to see it along with 80% of the country. The problem is that this movie tries to be so much more. Instead of being a movie with slow motion, over the top, epic fight scenes left and right (such as 300 or Sin City), it places them sparkly in with an overly complicated plot that’s crammed into 1 hour and 45 minutes.

Relationships are over simplified, characters are non-existent, and there’s not really any reason to care about the plot. Its constant attempts to have a deeper point (it brings up the whole slavery issue about 30 minutes before the end and acts like this was the real issue the whole time, as opposed to fucking VAMPIRES) make it have no point at all.

We get the bad halves of two different movies and are left with an abbreviated storyline thought up by a nine year old who just learned about Abe Lincoln at school and caught a Buffy commercial when he got home. Meh.